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Below are the 8 most recent journal entries recorded in
Smart Bitches, Trashy BooksSmart Bitches, Trashy Books' InsaneJournal:
| Tuesday, August 14th, 2018 | |
| 2:00 pm | HaBO: Rattling Door Gives Them Away This HaBO request is from Anonymous and they’re looking for a Regency romance: I read this book in the last year and I cannot for the life of me figure out what it was! It’s a Regency; I doubt it’s more than 10 years old. The scene I remember is a sex scene where they end up against a door in the main part of the house and the door rattles. There are other people in the house at the time that take this as a sign that the hero has reformed and must actually be into the heroine. I remember the heroine had long hair that the hero finds super sexy. I think the general story is about a couple who end up married for convenience reasons and then figure out how to love each other along the way, because those are my favourite, but I could be totally wrong. Who knows this one? |
| Monday, August 13th, 2018 | |
| 8:00 am | Movie Review: The Mermaid 
The Mermaidby Hing-Ka Chan, Stephen Chow, Chi Keung Fung, Miu-Kei Ho, Ivy Kong, Si-Cheun Lee, Zhengyu Lu, and Kan-Cheung Tsang The Mermaid is a 2016 Chinese movie that broke a ton of box office records in China. Its a romantic comedy about a mermaid named Shan who is supposed to seduce and kill a destructive billionaire named Xuan. Naturally Shan falls in love with Xuan (despite the fact that he has no redeeming qualities until well into the movie) so she has to persuade him instead, and they both have to fight off his evil business partner/girlfriend. Im fairly certain that some of the charm of this movie was lost in both linguistic and cultural translation, but I cant deny that not only did I laugh a lot but I rewatched one particularly funny scene again the next day. Theres a couple of things you need to know before venturing into this movie. The first is that a lot of it is broadly played but brilliantly constructed slapstick. Im the wrong audience for this, because physically slapstick comedy just makes me wince in sympathy. However, I cannot deny that if slapstick is your thing, this is AMAZING. The standouts slapstick-wise are a scene in which Shan tries to kill Xuan and is constantly stymied as Xuan, who doesnt know shes there, dances to a song with the lyrics:
The second slapstick sequence involves a mer-Octopus (named Octopus) having to work in disguise as a hibachi chef. If you dont like slapstick you wont be able to watch this scene at all. If you do, it will be the most brilliant thing youve ever seen in your life. </p>
Regardless, allow me to remind the viewer that octopuses can regenerate their limbs. Hell be fine by the end credits.  The other thing you should know is that in the service of pounding the message DONT HURT THE ENVIRONMENT into our heads (a message I heartily endorse), the filmmakers show some documentary footage of animals being killed or injured in the name of greed (they werent killed for the movie; its reused footage). These two sequences, one at the very beginning and one near the end, are brief but graphic. You can fast forward through them without missing any story, but still, there they are. Theres also a very brutal battle sequence near the end in which mermaids are hunted, captured, and in many cases killed. Its a huge tonal switch from the goofy comedy of the rest of the movie. Now that Ive got that out of the way, I can say that there was a lot I liked about this movie. Xuan is a horrible person who flunks my be kind to the waiter test and who assumes that every woman he meets is a prostitute. Hes mystified by Shan because he keeps trying to give her huge amounts of money and she keeps rejecting it. Hes horrible to everyone who works for him or around him. And yet, he has a nice chemistry with Shan, and really does try to fix the problems hes created. His proposal to Shan, on their second date, is weirdly sweet. When she points out that this is too fast, he says,
The main villain of the movie is not Xuan, but rather his business partner/girlfriend, Ruolan. I hated the jealous girlfriend thing, and the evil business-woman cliche. Also, Im not even sure she was Xuans girlfriend, because I was often confused with regard to their relationship status. However, I did very much enjoy the increasing bizarreness of her outfits. By the time Ruolan showed up in a leather bustier and spike heels firing a rocket launcher out of a helicopter door I had to respect her as having reached some kind of peak I am sexy and murderous level. Seriously, that was AMAZING. It was neither good nor bad just AMAZING. Its not the kind of thing one sees every day.  Shan is basically a manic pixie dream girl but with her own agenda unlike most manic pixie dream girls, her role is to save her people, not cheer up a dude, although she has to cheer up the dude to accomplish her goal. The plot requires that she try to entice Xuan to her home without letting him know that shes a mermaid (she waddles around on her fins which are stuffed into boots, and she skateboards a lot you just have to take my word for this). Then she falls for him for real and gets horribly injured so that Xuan can be heroic. For a long time she drives the story but eventually her character loses control of the narrative and it becomes more about the decisions of guys and also of Ruolan. This is unfortunate. There are scenes I will treasure forever the best of which involving the hapless Xuan trying to convince two police officers that hes been kidnapped by a mermaid, and their literal and hilarious drawings of what he describes. The climactic callbacks to what seemed like throwaway gags from the beginning of the movie were priceless. So was the revelation that Thou Shalt Not Mess With Old Lady Mermaids, for They Shall Fuck You Up, Yeah Verily.  I have so many questions. What was with the terrible special effects? What are we supposed to think of the guy who apparently laughs himself to death at the beginning? Do Shan and Xuan ever have sex, and if so, how? Does Xuan have any redeeming qualities other than a touching backstory and a cute face? Is this story incredibly sexist ? (Yes, it is). What is the air bubble thing around Xuans head at the end? I dunno. At some point I just stopped worrying about it. It is what it is. Im not even sure how to grade this. I dont know how to process it. Like Xuan, I can only say, What happened? The ending is very sweet and I support the message that love transcends all and that we should be good to the environment and that old lady mermaids are badass. The movie is a brisk 94 minutes and whatever else I can say about it, it sure is entertaining! I’m giving it a very confused B- . |
| 7:00 am | Cover Snark: Will It Echo? Good morning, Bitchery! Or whatever time of day you happen to be reading this. We have some hot and fresh Cover Snark for you!
From Chelsea: Apparently I downloaded this book late one night whilst roaming Amazon half asleep (as you do). Suffice to say, the cover is…well, theres a girl with her eyes closed feeling some sort of way standing next to a very intent Fabio-esque male staring out from the cover, and one very forcefully erect male nipple doing the same. Badly-photoshopped covers are commonplace, and I rarely give them a second thought. This, though. Its something. Elyse: He totally farted and she just noticed Sarah: *sigh* “Again? We have another three hours to go in this photo shoot.” “Just wait until I’m wearing the knight’s armor.” Elyse: The echo& Amanda: If the farts are bad enough in the armor, he might just pass out.
From Andrew: Half of his head is missing, and what kind of cyborg wears boxers? Sigh. Elyse: Are we sure the planet isnt growing out of his head? Amanda: From far away, I thought he was wearing a fedora tilted to the side. Also, the image of two glowing balls is not lost on me. Sarah: Nice balls.
From Caroles Cover Snark folder! Sarah: I love that Carole has a desktop cover snark folder where she stashes covers that make her do a double take. Dominus needs to see a Dermatologist. Amanda: Ah…I see his problem. His insides are full of pine trees. Elyse: Hes gonna need an ointment for that. Sarah: Wait. WAIT. Is he PINING???
From Gloriamarie: Brandon’s bliss appears to be narcotic induced. Sarah: That is a lot of fonts. Amanda: The hero has since been updated. RIP First Brandon.
Amanda: Welcome, New Brandon. |
| Friday, August 10th, 2018 | |
| 6:57 pm | Podcast 311, Your Transcript Has Landed 
The transcript for Podcast 311. A Nerdy Bookish Deep Dive into My Oxford Year with Julia Whelan has been posted!This podcast transcript was handcrafted with meticulous skill by Garlic Knitter. Many thanks. |
| Tuesday, August 7th, 2018 | |
| 6:00 pm | HaBO: Always Makes Love in French This HaBO request comes from A.D. and they’ve been looking for this series for years: I read these books between 2005 and 2006, as part of a historical romance book club. At the time, I never really took stock of names. Each book in the series follows a different couple and I’ve only read two of them. The first I remember was of an Englishman who falls for an American noblewoman. The girl is also peculiar because, I think ,she liked to sing and may have wanted to perform in the opera. This was supposedly improper at the time. I wasn’t really a fan of it, but the romance was okay. The singing…not so much. In one instance, I think both of them are on a cliff edge and start singing together! The second book is the one I really enjoyed, and the one I’m trying to find. The man is half English and half French. I think his mother was French. I don’t remember his name or title. He was a quiet man, though. And one night, a young woman goes to his room. I don’t know if she was a maid, but she was definitely not highly titled. That night, he took her virginity (per the usual) and though inexperienced, they had a connection. The romance felt more subdued and sensual than the noisy passion in the first book. One striking thing I remember is that the woman asked him in what language he thinks, and he answered that he thought in English…but always made love in French (Aaaaaaaaaah! *faints from heat*). I don’t remember what the conflict was, but he seemed to have some beef with people in France. He and his other male friends belonged to an elite club, but I’m not sure if they were spies because the hero has some level of PTSD from…something. They did belong to a fencing club, I think. I don’t remember the girl’s circumstances. But they do grow to love and respect one another. They never had a hate to love relationship. I think the girl just wanted to please the, guy but didn’t always know how to. The couple makes an appearance in the other novels. I only read a preview of the third or fourth book. It took place in a location outside of England. There could have been a harem involved, but the main characters were still English. Please help me if you can. Every year, I try to hunt for this book to no avail. I hope I can get some hints here. Can we solve this for A.D.? |
| 2:00 pm | HaBO: Austrian Archduchess Leaves Her Husband This HaBO is from Hayley, who is looking for a romance from the last two or three decades: I am looking for a romance book I read in the late 80s/early 90s. Its about an Austrian archduchess (I think) who leaves her abusive husband and takes her two children, a boy and a girl, to Paris. Maybe Victorian age? There she meets an English aristocrat called Edward and I think her daughter dies. It has a happy ending, but cant remember what happens but before it does think her husband goes after her. Any readers recognize this Austrian archduchess? |
| Friday, August 3rd, 2018 | |
| 7:30 pm | Podcast 310, Your Transcript Awaits!
The transcript for Podcast 310. Heroine Sociopaths and Emotional Suspense: An Interview with Victoria Helen Stone has been posted!This podcast transcript was handcrafted with meticulous skill by Garlic Knitter. Many thanks. |
| Tuesday, July 31st, 2018 | |
| 6:00 pm | HaBO: Dirty Hands Make Bad First Impression This HaBO request comes from Lisa AM and she needs help find this romance: Please help me find this historical romance! I’ve been looking for this novel for weeks and I’m honestly desperate. I remember that the protagonists get married out of convenience, and that she’s considered somewhat unattractive. He goes to meet her for the first time and she’s working in her garden; she’s sweaty and her hands are dirty so she doesn’t make the best impression. Their relationship wasn’t that great at the beginning as he was rather cold towards her. I remember another scene in which he goes to meet his lover to break up and while I don’t recall if they have sex, I do remember that he inhales snuff out of the back of her hand rather seductively. Also, he has a missing sister in France, which is horrible because they’re going through the Reign of Terror (or maybe its the aftermath) and he’s losing hope of finding her. And he has a white lock of hair? Maybe? A historical romance with a heroine who gardens! |
